this is a hangover that has lasted weeks. there are a few moments to last summer I wish I could relive over and over again. I laid in the sun today but it didn’t tan me as well as the mid July sun did. there’s a cool breeze and its hitting me that winter is coming. the demise of summer is always the most bittersweet, i remember it clearly even though it’s already ended. today you didn’t call. you didn’t text me back and you didn’t say goodbye before you left. should I have expected you too? no. I didn’t really. but that didn’t stop me from wishing you would have. 

I ask myself why every night. Why did I do that, why did he let me do that, why can’t I go back, what was I thinking, how did I let myself be that girl. maybe I shouldn’t regret it though. I was so happy for a few weeks. So happy. You made my summer. you were something that was so amazing I felt alive for the first time. almost like I was half dead until you came along and put life into me.

I had chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast today, just like I did that morning with you. I tried so hard to finish them but I couldn’t I was so nervous I couldn’t eat. I just kept looking at you from across the table. Beautiful. your eyes and your smile and your nose and everything about you made me want to run around and scream. I wanted to take a picture. I tried to remember everything about that moment.

It was warm, around 11 in the middle of July. Monday. there was a perfect warm breeze through the trees and people were talking around us. we laughed at the man two tables away for talking so loudly. I had chocolate milk. I drank the whole thing nervously. I kept looking around, at the street, the people around me, the sky. trying to find something to prove it wasn’t a dream. I kept forgetting to breathe deeply and my knees shook. walking back to the car you held my hand for the first time and I felt my whole body for the first time. I felt every step and every time I blinked I felt it. I could almost see myself from above. like my whole soul and spirit was set free. I was truly blissfully happy for the first time in years. 

Is that stupid? don’t laugh. don’t wonder how one person could make me feel so incredible because I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m like this and I truly feel insane in the best way. I come back to this grin and giggle mood every time I think about that day. but then I remember I’m not the only one. you’re gone and I’m here. Soon it will be December and part of me is starting to realize that you’re just going to ignore me, like nothing happened. 

I know you felt something though. why do you have to pretend I’m nothing to you?